The End.

Hello... I know I haven't posted anything lately and the first blog afterward will be my last one (probably. If I don't have something important to spread to you guys, I won't post anything, anymore).

Since I have declared that this will be my last one, so I'll make sure this will be super drawn-out.

I know everything that will be said here sound personal, but I need to get it out from my chest.

So these past few days, I haven't been myself much. I broke my almost-2-years-relationship up with my boyfriend whom I still thought of the most kind-hearted man ever. Love, if you're reading this, please be happy because you just got out from a toxic relationship that you had with your girlfriend who has daddy issues.

So,  to start all of this... what is daddy issues?

Daddy issues is an informal phrase for the psychological challenges resulting from an absent or abnormal relationship with one's father, often manifesting in a distrust of, or sexual desire for, men who act as father figures.

I might not cover the whole definition above, but I have to admit that the thing that I have been denying since long time ago has finally happened to me. I see it now. I see what it does, what it has done to me.

My father had been absent in my life since I was born. I met him once and finally felt what-it's-like-to-have-a-father for three months until he disappeared again. My mom contacted him when I was 17 years old when she needed his signature for my visa to Sydney, Australia. However, I didn't have the chance to meet him, or should I say that my ego defeated my desire to meet him, to hug him as long as possible, just like a kid who had been missing her father's love.

Therefore, I never knew how a father loves his daughter. I somehow envy my step-sister and my step-brother because they have had their time with my father for a long time. They know how it feels like to have a father figure. They know how it feels, they know how a father loves his children. And I never had the chance. Three months doesn't count. In the meantime, he lived with me but he was mostly working. So I only saw him at night. And me being selfish, felt that it wasn't enough. I wanted more. I needed more. I needed him to teach me that a daughter's first love is her father. I needed him to protect me. My mother has tried her best and I really appreciate it, but of course, every child has the rights to feel a father's love.

Because I never had a man's figure in my life, so I always seek attention from another male possible. Call me attention seeker or whatever you want, but most of my friends were guys. I feel more comfortable with them, not because they listen better or they don't talk much like girls. But because I want to know how does it feel when a guy protects me, listens to me and sometimes I just like how my guy friends are there for me. I love their presence.

When I lived that life, I haven't known the term of daddy issues. So I thought it was a normal thing. I thought I was just the same with every other friend I have out there who have both parents who help them to grow. However, as time went by I knew that something was wrong with me. So I found out that I had... daddy issues.

Although some people say that daddy issues are not real and that us, the fatherless, should never think of it because it could affect us, you know what? We have to admit that we have those issues. They are real. They are the things that we, the fatherless, have.

So, how do daddy issues connect with my relationship(s) that I used to had?

My mother has told me a lot about my father. The worse thing, mostly. For instance, how my father used to break things when they fought, how he slapped and pulled my mother's hair whenever he was angry. And how it all started by my father who slammed the door whenever he started to feel the rage inside him.

And it all affected my relationships. How I become so possessive over my boyfriend because I am afraid that he will go away like my father did. How I become so jealous of the girls near my boyfriend because I am afraid that he will choose the girl rather than me, just like my father chose to have sex with the prostitutes because my mother or his older wife couldn't satisfy his sexual desire.

I am always afraid that I will never be good enough for my boyfriend. That's one of the reasons why when I fall for someone, I fall. Hard. I will try everything to make him happy, to satisfy him (not in a sexual context).

And that was what I did to my last boyfriend, I fell so hard for him. And he actually deserved it, because the most kind-hearted man deserves the world.

And people get mad. Every time. Including my boyfriend (who is now my ex). He slammed the door (it wasn't hard, actually) but the first thing that rings in my head is that the father figure that my mother always told me about. Slamming door. Breaking things. Slapping. All of them just popped up in my head and I cried, a lot. Just because of that. Just because of my boyfriend who was angry with reasonable things. And it seemed like I couldn't understand him. He even picked me up from the school I worked in the day after, and I broke up with him at that time. And now I feel like I really lost him. Some part of me felt that he deserves it, he deserves better. He deserves a woman, not a girl like me. However, the other part of me couldn't let him go. And every day it just seems worse. The pain couldn't go away. The loss. The longing for his touch, his presence.

I know this sounds really selfish, but I am starting to blame my bad personalities on the daddy issues I have. Meanwhile, in fact, I am just probably a bad person.

But, life must go on. His life must go on, with or without me. J, I am sure you'll do better without me. You deserve so much and I am probably not the right person for it. I am so stupid for letting you go, but afterward, I just realize that this is probably for your best. And for everyone who is dragged to my shits, I apologize.

J,


For God knows how many liters of tears I have produced, thank you. And goodbye.