Hello! It has been a few days that I haven't written anything, yet I feel like it has been a lifetime (duh, a Leo must exaggerate at any time). I am sorry if my posts lately have been affecting negatively, mainly because I always write something related to either mental breakdown or feeling stressed out. I just want to share my journey with you guys, I'd really like to help but I really do not know how, so I thought a little sharing might alleviate.
I know that I have shared about how to reduce the feeling of being stressed out way too much and said that it helped a little. I did not lie, it surely decrease my stress but it does not mean I become okay all of sudden. There is still a part left inside me, broken, torn apart and haven't been put back up because I do not even know how to. I have to admit that I am a walking mess.
I moderately come to a conclusion that, some people will always treat you nicely no matter how bad the agony you have put them through. There will always be a minimum of one person who will always admit your existence and still care for you however your condition is. There will always be one person who will love you in and out. Luckily, I have found some (beside my mother, of course).
My boyfriend. He is a pain in the ass sometimes, but he has been with me through ups and downs. He has seen me in my worst, in my tears and snot ruining my face, in my loudest laughter, in my most lonely time and anything else. Yes, we have broken up once and we had been through hell between those months but that made us realize what was wrong with us. Now we're back again and we always try our best to make up.
However, that is not my main point. What I am trying to say is that, no matter how nice he treats me now, there will always be some time when I treat him like shit. Sometimes I still see him as this guy who broke me once and tore me into pieces whereas he has changed into a different and better guy. I cannot deny that I am so fixated on my past, particularly the bad ones because I think of them as my experiences and something I can learn from to make a better move next time. I feel... I am not treating him okay. He has been so nice with me and I just cannot make that up to him. I cannot give the same amount of satisfy he has given me (not in a sexual context, okay?). Babe, if you somehow read this, please know that I am so thankful to you for making me feel like your own queen and do accept my apology for treating you like a dickhead. I will never thank you as much as what you have done to me and my family.
Secondly, my best friend. He was the one with me when my dad passed away. He was with me through my worst times, before I dated my boyfriend and beside my boyfriend now. He has been with me for six years and still going, and I cannot list my cheerful moments with him as many as my grieve ones that I shared with him. Practically, I shared most of my depression with him but not my happiness.
The worst thing of it that he understands. He understands that I cannot be that close to him again because I have a boyfriend now (I do not blame my boyfriend though, I decided this on my own to keep some distance with my guy friends because I care of what he feels. This does not mean I cut the contacts off with my friends as soon as I have a partner). My best friend is fine with this and that makes me feel like shit. He has been so good to me that he even understands me so much and I just cannot do anything to him. Dude, if you ever read this in which you will never do, please accept my gratitude and apology at the same time. You know why.
After all this mess I wrote, I come to a closing that I actually need this time. I need this moment; where I feel like I am not okay. The moment where I feel I treat people badly. Because that is what makes me realize that I have been making mistakes and need to make up for them as fast as I can. I need to stop what I have been doing because it is not affecting any good to people around me. Isn't life supposed to be like that? We make mistakes we do not realize until we come to a conclusion that they are actually mistakes and we try to make up for them. Life is not about being perfect. It is about learning from your mistakes. It is about learning about what to do and don't.
Soooo.. that's about it. I will keep you guys informed about my journey. And please accept my sorry if you think that this is way too personal. I still keep some of the most intimate things to myself and people involved, though. Until next time.
P.s: let us use our less than 5 minutes to pray to the victims of Banten-Lampung tsunami which happened around three or five days ago. My best prayers go with them and I am doing the best I can to help them. If you want to help, you can click here or here.
I know that I have shared about how to reduce the feeling of being stressed out way too much and said that it helped a little. I did not lie, it surely decrease my stress but it does not mean I become okay all of sudden. There is still a part left inside me, broken, torn apart and haven't been put back up because I do not even know how to. I have to admit that I am a walking mess.
I moderately come to a conclusion that, some people will always treat you nicely no matter how bad the agony you have put them through. There will always be a minimum of one person who will always admit your existence and still care for you however your condition is. There will always be one person who will love you in and out. Luckily, I have found some (beside my mother, of course).
My boyfriend. He is a pain in the ass sometimes, but he has been with me through ups and downs. He has seen me in my worst, in my tears and snot ruining my face, in my loudest laughter, in my most lonely time and anything else. Yes, we have broken up once and we had been through hell between those months but that made us realize what was wrong with us. Now we're back again and we always try our best to make up.
However, that is not my main point. What I am trying to say is that, no matter how nice he treats me now, there will always be some time when I treat him like shit. Sometimes I still see him as this guy who broke me once and tore me into pieces whereas he has changed into a different and better guy. I cannot deny that I am so fixated on my past, particularly the bad ones because I think of them as my experiences and something I can learn from to make a better move next time. I feel... I am not treating him okay. He has been so nice with me and I just cannot make that up to him. I cannot give the same amount of satisfy he has given me (not in a sexual context, okay?). Babe, if you somehow read this, please know that I am so thankful to you for making me feel like your own queen and do accept my apology for treating you like a dickhead. I will never thank you as much as what you have done to me and my family.
Secondly, my best friend. He was the one with me when my dad passed away. He was with me through my worst times, before I dated my boyfriend and beside my boyfriend now. He has been with me for six years and still going, and I cannot list my cheerful moments with him as many as my grieve ones that I shared with him. Practically, I shared most of my depression with him but not my happiness.
The worst thing of it that he understands. He understands that I cannot be that close to him again because I have a boyfriend now (I do not blame my boyfriend though, I decided this on my own to keep some distance with my guy friends because I care of what he feels. This does not mean I cut the contacts off with my friends as soon as I have a partner). My best friend is fine with this and that makes me feel like shit. He has been so good to me that he even understands me so much and I just cannot do anything to him. Dude, if you ever read this in which you will never do, please accept my gratitude and apology at the same time. You know why.
After all this mess I wrote, I come to a closing that I actually need this time. I need this moment; where I feel like I am not okay. The moment where I feel I treat people badly. Because that is what makes me realize that I have been making mistakes and need to make up for them as fast as I can. I need to stop what I have been doing because it is not affecting any good to people around me. Isn't life supposed to be like that? We make mistakes we do not realize until we come to a conclusion that they are actually mistakes and we try to make up for them. Life is not about being perfect. It is about learning from your mistakes. It is about learning about what to do and don't.
Soooo.. that's about it. I will keep you guys informed about my journey. And please accept my sorry if you think that this is way too personal. I still keep some of the most intimate things to myself and people involved, though. Until next time.
P.s: let us use our less than 5 minutes to pray to the victims of Banten-Lampung tsunami which happened around three or five days ago. My best prayers go with them and I am doing the best I can to help them. If you want to help, you can click here or here.
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