Mental Breakdown in My Own Experience

This has haunted me for these past few days, no other than because I have been feeling the same as well. Please note that everything that I wrote here is not based on research or science, but all of this is based on empirical evidence in which I have seen or felt by myself.

Mental breakdown. What is it? What are the true definitions of mental breakdown? For me, it is the closest meaning to something that you feel when you know that you will always have people around you but you feel alone still. It is the closest meaning to something you feel when you see yourself have been wrong all this time and you need to manage or get yourself done without knowing how. It is the closest meaning to something you feel when you feel you are so wrecked and screwed up without anything happens to you physically.

I always put the ‘closest meaning to’ because no words can describe how I really feel about mental breakdown. I see so many stuffs or quotes and feel ‘click’ with it because I can relate to everything written, but I also realize that there will always be part of me which cannot be described with words written or spoken.

I have many friends. I have one loving boyfriend. I have family. Yet all of them cannot satisfy the longing for someone that I feel. As days passed, I realize that humans are naturally like that; they cannot be satisfied. Although they say that they are, they will never fully be. There will be no end to trying to satisfy one human being, therefore there is something inside our inner selves which need to be fixed or changed.. that we should program ourselves to be grateful for everything that we have know.

I always think that brains and hearts cannot be never torn apart. Once you make a decision, you say that it is based on your feelings but, no. It is not. There will always be a small part of work that your brain does although what controls the decision you make the most is your feelings, but by  no means our brains can be dumped just like that. The same thing goes with the decisions made based on their rationality only. No, their feelings will always do a little work in making the decisions. That is why I said our brains and feelings will never be disconnected.

Back to the mental breakdown issue. You see, after I realized that everything I feel or say is based on my brains and feelings, this makes me come to the point where I conclude that my mental breakdown is caused by everything happen around me and my brain too. There is something wrong that comes to my mind and I keep thinking about it, making me feel like there is something wrong with me. It is all about mindset.

I know that perhaps some of you may think it is so easy for me to say that everything is about mindset, but what I have been through to come to that point is what you do not know. Everyone has been through difficult times and so have I.

For the reasons, in my own case my mental breakdown was caused by social medias. I cannot deny the fact that social medias have been influencing my life these past few years. I become more attached to it as I grow older. I always try to see the positive sides of everything, including the pros that I get from being social-medially active. However, as I try to get away from my smartphone more, the more I realize that we cannot always try to be positive all the time. There is something bad about social medias that not everyone can hide from, and if we do not pull ourselves from it, it can be bad for our behaviors.

Being active on Instagram way too much has impacted negatively on my life and it has changed my behavior too. Without myself realizing, I found happiness when people put their attention to me and that only made me want to attract their attention more days by days. I usually felt embarrassed on what I had or what I was happy about because I was too afraid that people would think my taste was not great or I was a freak, which also changed my trait to always fake myself in front of people and not being true and proud of who I truly was. Of course there is a good thing in being afraid of showing how we truly are because there might be some deficient character of us which can be fixed, but having that feeling too much can cause us to change ourselves to become a figure that everyone likes to see, not our nature selves.

I did not write what I wrote here at one time and just publish it. I wrote this in my leisure time and as days went by, I also noticed that some of my friends felt quite the same with me. I just feel this mental breakdown thing has spread out among my surroundings at the same time, or is it just them have been holding this back all this time. Seeing them breaking apart and not knowing what to do makes me able to relate to them and happy to help them to fix this breakdown together, because currently I myself am working on it.

I know that by speaking one’s mind might invite mockery or insult by some of them who read this and feel like those who state that they have mental breakdown are just freaks or overreact. Or perhaps they might think that I am currently thirsty for attention. However, I choose to not listen to them and focus on myself because I believe everyone’s journey is different. Plus, your attention is not something I really need to keep living, dudes.

So here is (not really) all I have to get out from my mind. Until next time.